Though I am looking for an e-mail slave, from time to time with the right incentive I switch.  I recently found someone who intrigued and enticed me.

I started playing a role as his slave and something happened that has only happened twice before in a sexual situation.  I started to have a panic reaction.  So I spent a late night last night trying to figure out why and what these three experiences had in common.  I tossed and turned for a long time before falling asleep.

So the question is: why did I descend into panic?

The first time it happened was the first (and only) time I tried anal sex over 25 years ago.  My beloved partner hit the ring and I had to stop.  He was fine and grateful that I had allowed him to try.

The second time was much more recent.  I had been writing for a Dom (the challenge of "girl").  When I wrote the final installment I completely panicked and ended the correspondence.

So that brings us to last night.  Once again I have been corresponding with a Dom.  We got to the point of discussing rules and getting into serious role play and I panicked. 

Each of these situations has one thing in common.  I get right up to the point where I would have to give up control and I freak out. 

This Dom is someone I greatly admire. I am a linguist, as is he.  We think alike. He is a walking, breathing encyclopedia of history.  Things were flowing smoothly and then down came a wall.  It was solid and thick.

I hope with more time and a lot of patience I will get past this.  If I can't learn from him as a sub there is so much I can learn from him as a Domme and a person.  Maybe if I can start there the sub in me will follow.