Why is it that I have so much difficulty reconciling how I feel about being on an Adult Dating site? I have been on here nearly 4 years now I think, and I have continuously had an argument in my head about being here. I hate more than anything being treated like a low rent whore, yet I like the attention that I get here for my pics, forum posts and my blog.

I like this site because I see it as classy sexy, more Coco de Mer than Ann Summers, and I feel comfortable with that. I once looked on the AFF site and felt like I needed a shower afterwards. It just wasn’t me I am more for titillation than seeing everything on open display!!! For the people that want that then good luck to them but it’s not me. I wish I could turn off the XXX pics on here. I just don’t want to see a stranger’s most intimate parts and I am puzzled why people want to show them to everyone. I can understand getting off on the exhibitionist element but why does anyone want to present their first impression of themselves as their genitals??? Even street corner prostitutes don’t do that.

Anyway I am not a nudity girl but I do have underwear pics. I worry about those!! lol (I know I am such a worry wort!!) I like when people give me complements on them. It has helped me feel sexy. Yet I do worry about the impression I give by presenting myself in that way. I am convinced that most men here think of me as a tart. I also am convinced that most women would think that all the women who come to a site like this are tarts. I don’t know a single person who I could tell about being on this site. None of the people I associate with would ever be open minded enough to think of it as anything but a knocking shop and this is the origin of my dilemma.

I don’t think it’s wrong to explore my sexuality; I haven’t done anything wrong I am free and single to do whatever I want. I am hurting no one else and I believe I am still a lady!! I know I keep banging the drum but nice girls can like sex too, but no matter how much I think that I have to concede that most people disagree.

However having done the exploring thing I have found it can get old fairly quickly. I don’t want to cyber with all and sundry, I don’t want casual sex with 20 year olds!! That to me feels too much like child abuse! And I want a man of my own I don’t want to borrow someone else’s.

This also brings me to something else I worry about. Is it inevitable that people cheat? I have seen so many married men and women who aren’t happy that I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that it happens to everyone given enough time and given the opportunity. I expect that nearly all the wives of the married men on here have no idea what their husbands are up to and that makes me sad. What makes me even sadder is that on the whole these are really nice guys, not the traditional stereotype of the cheating bastard. So I am not being judgmental here, there are enough other people to do that, but my point is, am I looking for an impossible dream? I have never had a grand passionate love affair and I suppose that’s what I want but will that just be a road to misery? Is it possible to find that relationship here when I believe that most of the men here are just looking for sex in one form or another? I suspect it’s not probable but I like to think it is possible so that’s why I stay.

I expect I will keep dithering over being here at all. I do have another reason for staying and that is because it is very BBW friendly. I don’t feel like I am the ugly fat girl surrounded by impossibly attractive “normal” people!! I know that the people here are real. I also like that fat girls too have a place to feel sexy. However I do have another worry!! (You knew it was coming didn’t you!!! ) Are the men here attracted to me because I am fat and thus they think I have low standards? Do they think I will fuck anyone because I am desperate for affection? I can’t help but wonder if some large ladies do this. I once read about “the fat slut syndrome” apparently some large ladies will engage in promiscuity because they have such low self esteem, and some men prey on that because they have esteem issues too. Bloody hell too many esteem issues there for me but I don’t feel the need to fuck a bog beast just because I am fat. My idea of handsome might not be everyone’s but I have managed to snag the odd handsome charming chap now and again!! Lol

Anyway I am rambling like a rose again!! Dear god in heaven if only I had never caught the verbosity bug from my old friend g2m0 I could have kept my thoughts cogent, crisp and to the point! I will no doubt continue to worry!! Lol However I will endeavour to be less judgemental of others who have different aspirations and values.