It's been a long time since I've posted a blog. Now I feel like it. Of course, something had to happen at home to make me want to kick my heels up and say: fuck you.

I hate fighting. Not that I know anyone who enjoys it, but my growing up years solidified in me an intense desire for harmony, not discord. So to be an adult now and see someone get pissed off about/over little shit really closes me down inside.

I write today from the viewpoint of a woman still involved in a long-term relationship and who sometimes needs to share her feelings.  I don't hang on to these feelings for long and its true that I have found some measure of peace and comfort within. Its also true that there is more calm in our house than not. 

But when I hear the tone of The Englishman's voice change, when something is being said in such an angry and mean way that it truly sounds as if he hates me, this is when I long to leave it all and just run away. Run away from home. I'm 46 years old. I don't like these feelings. They feel like a slow poison to me.

 Of course, as everyone who is or has been involved in a long-term relationship knows, things will blow over and our daily life will return to normal.  We may even have a long stretch of time before the next blow-up: its quite possible and very likely. In fact, my parents have lived their whole marriage like this and they've been together 54 years. But until I can make myself feel better, here I will write.

I'm not working very much now. My body was feeling as if it was breaking down too early for old age and so I set up a schedule that made my feeling better physically my priority. Now I have a daily balance of work, exercise class at the Y, and spending some time with my dad who I came seriously close to losing recently. In addition, one day a week I attend a nutrition class, another day a support/cheerleading kind of group  for women who would like to push past whatever stops us from earning more and being more marketable; and on the third day, I attend the local college through this group and am learning more about Word, Excel and Powerpoint. Not a great deal, mind you, but I know nothing now so I figured anything I started would only aid me tomorrow. An example of this is my typing this the real way instead of hunt and peck. So I'm improving.

I hope I'm not a mean person for thinking this but I hope he doesn't catch one damn fish while out on the Sound today.

My daughter has given up men at the moment and is not home much anymore. She stays at her girlfriend's-and I mean girlfriend-every night. So this has been an adjustment on a couple of levels for me. Bottom line is I want her to be and feel loved and if its going to come in this form, so be it.

The ex-husband is still sporadically writing to me and wants me to correspond with him in return but I have zero interest in doing so. Finally, it is truly over for me, an experience that has taken many years of inner working to do so. For a long time, I had seriously doubted that I would ever get over and through it. But I did. I may just have to explain it to him in this way.

Finally, here's a new experience that I had a few months ago. I met a man who adores BBWs and as we sat and talked at a diner (I was there about some possible work which didn't pan out in the end) he kept staring at me. He thought I was attractive-I have my moments (smile)-but it was agreeable and a bit strange feeling to be in the presence of a man who seemed to find me female and sensual. I hadn't realized how empty I've been feeling of that. Or maybe I have and I've just told myself to let it go.

But all in all, in spite of a serious lack of funds (as many others share) I'm okay.  

I thank you-the ones who read this-for being here. Truly. :)