Ring the bells everyone--I have a date tonight!  That song comes to mind...celebrate good times.  Which one is that?

First date in three years.  Geez...how did that happen?  No one plans for that. 

We are meeting at the waterfront park and he is bringing the wine.  It is suppose to be a lovely night tonight.  And I have another date for lunch tomorrow. 

He seems like a really good guy and has been fun and flirty and patient w/me as I stumble my way forward.  Whooohooo!

Have fun,
Jen
xoxo

I just finished reading an article where a young man was jumped and brutally beaten for being gay.  I read articles like this 1-2 times a month.  But every now and then I have cold shivers run through me when I read these types of articles.  Both my children are gay and every now and then I will have a ribbon of fear run through me praying for my kids to be safe.

I have known since my son was a very little boy that he was gay.  He would say things like, "Mommy, when I grow up, I am going to have a husband--not a wife...k mommy?"  "Yes, Honey, of course.  Whatever you want"  I would kiss and hug him and off he would go to the next thing that entered his mind and captured his attention.  I held this in the same sweet spot as when I asked my daughter what she wanted to be when she grew up and she answered a doctor during the day and a ballerina at night.  lol

As my son got older, his proclamations got fewer and fewer until they were never mentioned.  Occasionally, I would ask a subtle question to gauge his response and hoping to open up that space within him so that he could speak about what was inside of him.  When he was 16 yrs. old, by then I was living in CA and in 2004 I came back for a visit, I asked him if he were gay.  I waited until he was curling my hair and putting on my make-up to ask him if he was gay.  I did this intentionally so that he could see my face--see that w/his answer my face wouldn't change w/his answer.  I guess the perfect time to ask is when he was doing my hair and make-up--lol get it?  I asked him to close the bathroom door because I wanted to ask him a question.  He said he knew exactly what I was going to ask. 

We discussed his paternal grandparents and how they would take it.  They are staunch Pentecostals and we both agreed that he would most likely be disowned.  I mentioned that as a young adult he was working and figuring out who he was and that he would have to work to be that much more balanced and strong because of the society--and the area--that he lived in and he agreed.

My son is obviously effeminate.  He was bullied in school until high school (I think).  I think his high school, by that time, was pretty open and diversified about sexuality.  Well, more than what had ever been before.  Because he was bullied he went through a time in his early teens to where he was having suicidal ideations and was having a rough home life w/his step-mom. 

Now, as a young man, he is pretty egocentric and narcissistic.  He spends a lot of money and time on his appearance; as well as a few other traits that don't serve him well.  He does have a lot of awesome characteristics though, but those, I believe, keep him from being fully rooted, secure in himself. 

Can you imagine how he would have turned out had he been able to grow and blossom as he should have been able to?  There isn't anything I can do about it now since he is a young man w/a life all his own.  For the most part, this is his journey now.  I do reach out from time-to-time, but in all fairness--because of my homelife, the foster homes, etc. I certainly didn't win any mother of the year awards myself.  I probably did as much damage as any of those other outside influences--if not more.  I do wished I could have been that voice of reason in his ear as a constant in him being his authentic self.  But my time I had figured stuff out, the record was set.

Later that day, after I had asked him if he were gay, we were going out and he had sheer shiny-glittery lip gloss on, I am assuming since our conversation, that he felt that he could be freer to be himself.  When I looked and saw the lip gloss I had ice run through my veins.  Not because I objected, but that there may be some bigoted dumb ass who did.  Southern Indiana isn't exactly an open-minded progressive kind of place.  I had that fear hit my mother's heart for my son that some thugs would hurt him for who he was--and most likely who they were, but couldn't accept it. 

As a parent you don't always know the right answer in the exact moment when you need a right answer.  So, I asked him to take it off--just while we were out and I discussed my fear w/him.  That was one of those pivotal moments that I pray that I didn't do more damage than good.  I don't know.  I am not a person that goes around scared--especially w/stuff like this.  I am a Leo and usually when it comes to stuff like this I am the first to step up to that line and dare them to cross--or I am the one crossing th
at line and daring them to stop me.  That day, in that moment, I was genuinely scared.

There are funny moments w/him and his make-up too.  Not that he wore a lot, just enough to be fun for him.  One time I was talking w/my daughter on the phone and she asked me to hold on a second and then I heard her tell him that he wasn't going out of the house w/purple nail polish on.  Or the time my granddaughter got into his lipstick and got it on the sheets.

When we were talking about him coming out--I told him that anyone who doesn't know, was living in denial.  We both laughed til we cried at that. 

Now, my daughter--I didn't not know that she was gay.  I think that haunts me to this day.  That she carried that around within herself all that time.  It was about a year and a half ago that she called me to tell me.  She called and said that she needed to tell me something.  I could hear her voice shaking.  I asked if everyone was alright--she said yes.  She kept prefacing upon prefacing her comments and her voice getting shakier and shakier and then she said, "Mom, I'm gay."  And I am like ok--kewl, so everyone is alright then?  After I could catch my breath--I tried as best I could to reassure her.  My daughter is a very good girl and to hear that pain and struggle in her voice broke my heart. 

Later that day my daughter came over w/her partner to visit me.  We had a long discussion and again the subject of how her grandparents would take it.  It was agreed again to take her time and build herself up so that she could tell them.  It was thought that she would be disowned.  I am not one to jump to conclusions about people, but some things aren't a far jump.  Well, it came to be that both Sis and Bub--what I call my children, who are almost 26 and 24 yrs. old--came out in the same week to their grandparents.  Someone outed my daughter to her family and I don't recall how it was known about my son.  To my great surprise and relief--they had their initial disappointment, but accepted them and did so in a very loving and supportive way.  If I recall correctly, Sis' grandpa told her, "Heather, this isn't the life I had hoped for you."  And she said that she knew. 

My daughter is living w/her partner and w/their children from previous relationships.  I am really proud of my daughter--she has been at her job for nine years now and steadily worked her way up.  She is very personable, highly intelligent, w/a fun-sassy sense of humor, and has a very big heart.  She is strong too, she is able to speak up for herself as she needs to.  I am very proud of her for that.  It took me until I was 30 yrs. old to be able to do that.

I spoke w/my daughter on the phone tonight and she was out w/her family to dinner and for some reason, out of the blue, I had another ribbon of fear run through me.  Lord, not sure if that will ever go away.  I don't get them often--maybe once or twice a year, but each time it leaves me a bit shaken.  I know you can't live in fear and certainly can't project your fears on others or the future, but when I realized I am feeling scared for them--then I get very angry.  When I see such perverse deep acts of bigotry and hatred I, sometimes, want to rail and ask them who the fuck they think they are that they had the right to do that to another person. 

Ok, I will stop now.  I typed out a lot there and the night-time meds are kicking in.  Sorry for all the errors and creative punctuation and grammar use.  lol

Thanks,
Jen
xoxo