Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.  "Sixty is the worst age to be", announced the sixty year old.  "You always feel like you have to urinate.  And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing happens!"
"Ah, that's nothing", said the seventy year old.  "When you're seventy, you're always constipated.  You take laxatives, eat bran, take metamucil - sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens!"
"Actually", said the eighty year old.  "Eighty is the worst age of all."  "Do you have trouble peeing too?", asked the sixty year old.  "No, not really.  I have no trouble with that at all. Every morning at 6am, I empty my bladder, no problem!"  "Do you have trouble with your bowels?" asked the seventy year old.  "Not really, I have a bowel movement every morning at 6.30am, regular as clockwork, no problems."  With great exasperation the sixty year old said, "Let me get this straight, you pee every morning at 6am and your bowels work easily every morning at 6.30am.  What is so tough about being eighty?"  To which the eighty year old replied, "Well, I don't wake up till ten."

It was our 19th wedding anniversary yesterday. 

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in.  The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.  The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter.  The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.  Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either.  He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

Confucius says:

War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car gets exhausted.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

A crowded elevator smells different to a midget.