Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive.  
~Havelock Ellis, On Life and Sex: Essays of Love and Virtue, 1937

That phrase keeps running through my mind every time I pick up the phone and it's him. This married man who has a two year old and an unhappy marriage.
I knew him before all that though. My memories of him are of meeting him at a little fantasy festival out in the middle of no where. Of later meeting him again at a bigger one, and taking a night stroll through the closed faire grounds - where we found ourselves kissing in the rose garden. Then years of silence.
Suddenly he contacted me out of the blue, thinking that I had gotten married. I had not, but he had, and he wasn't happy with the way his marriage was going. So he asked if I wanted to start dating once he was out of it. And all those old emotions came rising to the top, my love for him totally consuming all logical thought.
So once I was semi conscious from my love coma I realized what I had gotten myself into.
This man complains about how jealous his wife is, but then he basically tells me that (if we're dating) he's going to get upset if I so much as kiss another man. With my swinger lifestyle I don't know if that is going to work for me.
But at the same time I still want to give it a try, to see if I love him enough to give up that part of myself, or if I'm just delusional.
Even with that major part of my life cut out, the jealousy would still be a major problem. I am friends with all of my Exs, I hug my guys friends - I kiss them in greeting or farewell, when I go to conventions I sleep in the same bed as my guy friends, and stupid stuff like that might set him off!
Ung.

I have been so frustrated lately and I don't really have anywhere else I can post about it except for here. There's a guy in my swinger's circle that I really like, and I would love to see him more often. But of course he's married so there's absolutely no way that's gonna happen. I seem to be attracted married guys on the verge of divorce lately.
*sigh*
I've been so lonely and horny it's stupid. I'll masturbate 2-3 times a day and be depressed instead of satisfied. I want a person damnit! Not just a toy. I want to held and cuddle, then have awesome and deeply satisfying sex. I find myself moping around the house and on the verge of tears when I have to go to bed alone every night.
Then there's no one that is really local that can take care of my wants, I don't want to have to go out to Austin to find someone. I've had long distance everything before and it just doesn't work out well.
No idea what to do...