well today i made a revalation....i realized that time really does ease the pain.
its been 15 months and i was looking through a photo album for a pic to use for a birthday celebration.  I came across our pictures of the rehersal dinner for the wedding and i was actually able to smile about some of them.
will i ever be pain free...i really dont know i have a lot of guilt surrounding his passing....but at least some of the memories have turned into smiles.  i almost look forward to the time when my grand-daughter asks about "poppa" so i can share all the smiles he created. (thank goodness i have a little longer, she is only a year old)
...gary allen says it best with his song:

She’s been gone about three years
It’s been a long road and a million tears
I’m movin slow but I’m movin on
The sweetest memories still remain
The laughter we had and the love that we made
Every night I go to bed alone

With no regrets
And piece of mind
Lived so much in so little time
I’m so glad when she was here
She was mine
From the day we met
To the night she left
I loved her
No regrets

Well time and fate can't be controlled
You play the hand that you’re dealt
And the dice that you rolled
And who am I to question God anyway
Well these days when I look back
I know I’m blessed have been loved like that
I still miss her everyday

With no regrets
And piece of mind
Lived so much time in so little time
I’m so glad when she was here she was mine
From the day we met
To the night she left
I loved her
No regrets

From the day we met
To the night she left
I loved her
No regrets
No regrets
I loved her
With no regrets