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North Carolina, USA
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My Absence
Thursday, January 13, 2011
I know I've been gone for quite a while.  There is a reason for that.  I feel like telling those that care to read this will help me heal and feel a little better about my situation.  Perhaps if you've noticed that I've been acting a little distant or different (which honestly, I feel like I can hide pretty well), you might understand after reading this.  So here goes nothing...

On Christmas day, I had agreed to pick my grandmother up from her home and drive her to my house.  Her '97 Lincoln had been acting up and she was informed that it would be best to drive it at least once a week to keep the battery alive.  So, being the awesome granddaughter that I am, I agreed and was more than happy to oblige. On my way to her house, I had an overwhelming feeling that something horrible would happen this day.  With my grandmother's health declining somewhat rapidly and her frame becoming more frail each day, this was a common thought I had had.  This was different, I felt it throughout my entire body.  Regardless, I arrived at her house around 3:45 pm and walked up the stairs to the second story. 

As usual, I looked through the storm door to see if she was ready and expecting my arrival.  I looked to the left, in the living room, and saw that she was in her recliner.  My immediate thought was that she looked dead.  I walked in, my heart pounding through my chest and into my ears, when I heard her greet me.  All the previous thoughts I had washed away immediately.  We talked briefly and I asked if I could get her anything, but nothing was needed.  I told her I'd go downstairs to turn on her car and heat it up.  As I walked downstairs, I realized that if I backed the vehicle in, she'd only have to walk right up to the car rather than walk around to get into the passenger seat.  I pulled her car out of the driveway and slid it into reverse, but the car shuddered and wouldn't move.  The battery icon was flickering and I immediately turned the car off and then back on and it jolted to life.  I backed it in successfully and left it running. 

My grandmother and I eventually left her house and headed for my family's home.  We arrived and her shortness of breath got the best of her several times.  This wasn't unusual, she had been on oxygen for the past 2 years. Our evening started as planned.  We had a lovely dinner, opened presents, and sipped on highly spiked egg nog.  She looked was the first time I had seen her dressed up in over a year.  She wore a lovely red sweater with a black blouse underneath.  She was radiant.  My mother took several pictures of all of us and for the first time in a long time, my grandmother was absolutely beautiful. 

The night had to end sometime and so it did.  After a few sitting spells, my grandmother eventually made it to her car.  She was extremely out of breath, but again it wasn't unusual.  I asked her if she was okay, and she said just for me to take her home.  As soon as she had caught her breath, she thanked me for picking her up and driving her home.  I told her that I didn't mind and that it was well worth it.  She told me that she loved me and gently squeezed my hand.  We arrived to her house and she got out of the car to sit on a bench she kept downstairs.  I told her that I was going to bring her presents upstairs and open up the house for her.  I did just that and went upstairs to the third floor to turn some lights on and turn her bed down.  When I had finished on the third floor, I came to the edge of the stairs and saw that she had gotten herself up the steps to the second floor and was sitting in her recliner.  She was breathing heavily and I asked if she was alright, she said she was fine but felt a little dizzy.  I asked if she wanted some ice water and she said yes.  I went into the kitchen and fetched her a glass of ice water.

When I turned around to give it to her, she was hunched over in her chair.  I went up to her and offered the glass but she didn't say anything, she just kept moaning.  I told her that she wouldn't be able to breathe doubled over like response.  I gently pushed her back and her face was expressionless and she was drooling.  I called her name and shook her response.  I ran to the phone to call 911.  She lived by herself, my grandfather had passed away when I was 11.  While on the phone with 911, I had to pick her up out of the chair and gently place her on the floor so that I could begin CPR until the paramedics came.  It seemed like a lifetime before they arrived.  I remember mentally preparing myself for snapping her ribs while I was trying to revive her.  She was gone before they even arrived.  The paramedics worked on her for about 30 minutes and she kept coding.  I called my parents, crying hysterically and they were on their way immediately. I had to help the paramedics, I had to give them all this information on my grandmother, information that I didn't know.  I remember them asking me if I knew anything, and I suddenly remember that she had a File of Life capsule in her fridge.  In order to retrieve that, I had to step over my grandmother.  That beautiful red sweater and black blouse had been cut to shreds.  I remained in the kitchen until they announced her. 

This is why I have been on and off.  So if I act odd, this is why.  I'm struggling with this every day and practically reliving the events every night.  It was horrifying.  I just want you to know that I love you all, but I just need to distract myself.  I am grieving, but I need to distract myself too. 

My grandmother and I were very close and I will miss her so much.  She ended up dying from a massive heart attack.  She was the only person that I could talk to about anything.  My aunt told me the next day that she repeatedly told her that I was her favorite granddaughter.  I was blessed to have a grandmother like that and I was blessed to have been there when she passed, but it was also very traumatic.  I deal with things like this in an odd way.  Humor.  It keeps me going.  I just need to laugh.  Thank you...

Posted at 12:12am (MST) | Comments (14) | Add Comment | Report Post
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Added: Friday, February 15, 2019 2:49am

Added: Thursday, February 15, 2018 10:41am
Added: Wednesday, February 15, 2017 4:37am
Nice woman but I'm too old for you, wish I was 10....20....ok, 30 years younger.
Added: Friday, February 3, 2017 8:38pm
need a good spanking?
Added: Monday, September 5, 2016 4:41am
Added: Monday, February 15, 2016 8:17am

Happy Valentine's and Happy Birthday. Sweet Little Girl....
Added: Monday, February 15, 2016 2:15am
Added: Sunday, February 15, 2015 6:06pm
Bon Bon Bon Bon Bon  i miss you :( 
Added: Sunday, December 25, 2011 6:26pm
Lovely profile
Added: Wednesday, September 21, 2011 2:13pm
Just thought I'd drop in to say hello.  So.............hello.  :)
Added: Sunday, May 15, 2011 8:37am
Happy Easter mate.. hope you're doing well
Added: Saturday, April 23, 2011 7:13pm
Hey Bonnie,
Lol I'm the same way. I'm pretty much on every site and I'm client so feel free to hit me up whenever you see me on. What are you gonna be studying in the fall? There is a ton to do in Raleigh so I would definitely have no problem showing you the ropes if you ever need a tour guide ;-). I'm a bit biased since I went to school here and moved back down here from DC. I've been to Greenville a few times and its okay but I just think Raleigh is nicer and has more to do in general. Plus its close to other cities (like Durham, Chapel Hill and Fayeteville) so you could always quickly get away somewhere if you wanted a change of scenery. Anyways hope you're having a great weekend and look forward to hearing from ya :D

Added: Sunday, April 10, 2011 2:53pm
hey baby id love to have some fun on cam ;) let me know if ur interested
Added: Saturday, April 2, 2011 8:02pm
Hey Bonnie, This is Tony, we used to chat in 2007, Was hoping maybe we could chat again. You are looking better than ever.

Added: Friday, April 1, 2011 2:35pm
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