CarolinaContesa
Female, 49   United States
Female
Asheville
North Carolina, USA
3,083 mi from you
49
Single
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8/15 hot summer day..my little neice took this one
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Life is not about getting through the storm, but learning to dance in the rain.

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Fish Tale
A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached by a game warden just as he began to drive his boat away from the lake. The game warden asked the man. May I see your fishing license please? Naw, sir; replied the redneck. I don't need none of them there papers. There here are my pet fish. Your pet fish? asked the game warden. Yep. Once a week, I bring there here fish o'mine down to the lake and let'em swim around for a while. Then when I whistle they swim right back into my net and I take'em home. What a line of baloney, you're under arrest said the game warden. The redneck said, Its true, Mr Gov'ment man. I'll show ya! Me and there here fish do this all the time and he released the fish into the lake. A few moments passed and the game warden said, When are you going to call them back? Call who back? asked the redneck The FISH!! replied the game warden. Whut fish? asked the redneck. Moral of the story, we may not be as smart of some of you city slickers, but we ant as dumb as some of them there government employees.
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Drive Carefully
Saturday, December 15, 2012
With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.
 
Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before -- I took a cab home.
 
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
 
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.
 
Happy Holidays,
Posted at 11:03pm (MST) | Comments (1) | Add Comment | Report Post
It took 3 days to clean up
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
It was entertainment night at the  Senior Center .

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.

Claude the hypnotist said: I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, Watch the watch, watch the watch,watch the watch.

The  crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back  and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

SHIT!  said the hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the center......

Posted at 6:11pm (MST) | Comments (3) | Add Comment | Report Post
That's how it was writting in the police report
Thursday, April 21, 2011
 Augusta, GA    December 2010

Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy in Augusta , Georgia , told police he observed a male customer, later identified as Tyrone Jackson of Augusta , on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket... When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.

Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys for Tots" program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back; the injury did not appear to be severe.

After Police and an ambulance arrived at the scene Cpl. Duggan was transported for to the hospital for treatment and recieved several stitches.

The subject was also transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw...injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off of the curb after stabbing the Marine.

That's how it was written  in the police report.
Posted at 7:40pm (MST) | Comments (3) | Add Comment | Report Post
The Green Thing
Friday, April 15, 2011
 A SIGN OF THE TIMES!!

In a line at the grocery store, I over heard the cashier tell a grandmother that plastic bags weren't good for the environment. The grandmother apologized to her and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day.
 
That's right, they didn't have "the green thing" in my grandma's day......

 Back then, they returned their milk bottles, Coke bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, using the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

 But they didn't have the green thing back in her day.

 In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn't have an escalator or elevator in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks.

But she's right....

They didn't have the green thing back in her day.

Back then, they washed the baby's diapers because they didn't have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts. Wind and solar power really did dry the clothes.  Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not brand new 0 jeans.

But that old lady is right...

They didn't have the green thing back in her day.

Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house not one in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a pizza pan, not a screen the size of Montana . In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn't
have electric machines to do everything for you. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used wadded up newspaper to cushion it, not styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, they didn't fire up  an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
 
But she's right, they didn't have the green thing back then.

They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty, instead of a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water in public They refilled pens with ink, instead of buying a new disposible pen.  They replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But they didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar and kids rode their bikes to school or rode the school bus, instead of turning every moms into a 24-hour taxi service to fill the roads with car and the air with fumes.

They had one electrical outlet on a kitchen wall, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen  appliances. And they didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

Yes, its a crying shame that they didn't have the green thing back then!!!!!!!
Posted at 6:39pm (MST) | Comments (2) | Add Comment | Report Post
I just need one.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. 

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?" 

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. 

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder, "I just need one copy." 

Lesson: Never, Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.
Posted at 6:14pm (MST) | Comments (2) | Add Comment | Report Post
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Happy Birthday :)
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