gregb7677
Male, 41   United States
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West Saint Paul
Minnesota, USA
2,350 mi from you
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Somewhat geeky guy, into Computers and such. Would be wonderful to find someone who understand what I am talking about a lot of the time when I go on a "geeky rant" lol. I love all kinds of music and movies and love discussing them as well.

I am open minded and don't have too many hang ups about a lot of things. like anyone I have my a hole moments but in general I am a sweet and nice person sometimes to a fault. Been on both sides of the fence in the love game and am frankly tired of being hurt.

So where is my geekette or heck that someone who can be a great friend and we just "wing it".

Can you turn me on with your mind? the sexiest part of a woman is her brain.
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Greg's Place
this will be my place to let it all hang out. No filters, no BS, just my thoughts on many different things.
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the past etc...
Wednesday, February 2, 2011

12/09/2009

So my mother says to me the other night “Sometimes I don’t think you love me” Its not the first times she’s said it and more than likely won’t be the last either.

I don’t know how I feel about my mother to be honest when you break it down. There is a large amount of coldness there over things from my childhood that I cannot change. I watched the move “Precious” the other night and it brought back some bad memories. See, my mom never did anything to me physically herself, but I was left in the care of a few who did. We got in a big fight a few weeks ago where i finally got her to admit that she was “taking her anger at my dad out on me” So by leaving me with his crazy ass relatives one of who's boyfriend raped me for 3 yrs, was payback how? No matter how hard I try, I cannot fully let go of that anger I have inside over things.

I made a promise that my son would not have to go through the things I did as a kid. I shudder to think of what I would do if anyone touched him or abused him in any way. Those who know me well, know my temper and that would be a situation where I wouldn’t even attempt to control it.

I have often told my wife it would be best to simply tell the police to come get me because no doubt when I got to the person at fault I’d kill them with zero remorse.

Back to my mother though, My grandmother did the same thing to her concerning her father. My great grandmother told me the things she witnessed when my mother was a child. This lead to my mom pretty much being raised by my great grandmother. When I told her my story, the first thing out of her mouth was “I should have taken you” I believe she had her suspicions and didn’t act on them, and regretted it tremendously after finding out what had happened to me.

Imagine being grabbed by your throat at 7 yrs old, slammed into a wall, and called a “Bastard” For years I wondered what that word meant. I was always too afraid to ask anyone, cause I knew it was a “curse word”. I finally looked it up in the dictionary one day when I was about 11 yrs old.

When I was a child until the age of 17 or 18 my mother could do no wrong. No matter what bad decision she made or took the side of her husband or current boyfriend over me. I always stood up for her against anyone else because she was my mother.

I saw this strong and good woman who was a saint, where everyone saw something totally different. I mean yeah she kept me clothed, fed, roof over my head etc… I am thankful for that  of course. Otherwise I can’t say I fully respect her as a person like one should their mother. I sit and watch her now as this broken down person who would have everyone think she is physically unable of doing anything at all. I mean she does have legitimate ailments and all, but they are milked for all they can be.

I remember how active my grandparents and Great grandparents (I was blessed to have seen 3 of 4 most of my young life) when I was my son’s age. My mom can’t take him anywhere or watch him for what seems like more than 5 minutes. Granted he can be a handful as I sure I was too at that age. (3) Still she had them to lean on when she needed someone to watch me etc… I almost lost my job a few years ago because my wife was hospitalized and we had no one to watch Christopher. The wonderful other managers, and my GM who I was very close with, stepped in and would watch him while I was on shift when they could.

When I was a kid I thought my mother was going to night school, and for about 2 yrs she was.  After that though it was the Bar and running after the nigger of the moment(yes, I used the N word because these mutherfuckers were nothing but!) meanwhile I am left with a drunk cousin who thought nothing of knocking my ass around if he felt like it.

From the age of 7 till I was 10, I was molested by my Cousin Jolene’s Boyfriend Timothy Jasper Sr (damn right, I name dropped the son of a bitch) I didn’t tell anyone until I was away at an alternative boarding school when I was 13 yrs old. I was always afraid that if I told anyone that he’d have killed my family. The dude thought he was a ninja and had swords, throwing stars, and all that other shit. It was the mid 80’s here people and to a kid my age that was some serious shit. Looking at the news these days, I am kind of glad I didn’t because I see examples of craziness and murder all over the damn place.

Rape in general is a touchy subject for me to this day. I don’t understand it and I sure as hell do not condone it. I could be simply trying to put my arm around a girls shoulder and if she says “no” or I get the vibe of “no” I jump back like she said “by the way, I have HIV”  That is how serious I am about “No means no” My son will most definitely have that instilled in him and if there were anything that would make me turn my back on him it would be committing that type of crime against another person.

I’ve spilled a lot here tonight, bared my soul I guess you could say. But writing has always been therapeutic to me and I have not done enough of it over the last decade or so. I figure maybe I’ll find a kindred spirit or something I guess by sharing. Someone who might have had similar experiences and will understand me. I sometimes think I am truly “crazy”. I know I am fucked up, but truly crazy is a whole different level altogether.

I have always considered those of us who went through “the system” and by that I mean child psychiatric system as “the lost” like a brother/sisterhood of those who will never be quite alright for whatever reason.  But we share the experiences of being hospitalized (Bergen pines, Paramus NJ  (FG) ) Ritalin and the other shit they gave us, that now you got doctors saying is too much or whatever. I guess that is part of the reason as an adult I have avoided talking to a professional or institution like settings (military, job Corp, etc…)

Ok well I am going to stop here for now, thanks to anyone who made it this far without running for the freaking hills or something.

02/02/2011

Well I haven't talked to my mom since September of 2010 and sadly I think its one of the best choices I have ever made. A weight of anger and so much more was lifted from me. I felt and still do feel less burdened and angry than I have most of my life. I know where she is, I know shes alright. But I also know as I knew then and its what made me say "ENOUGH!" and "I'm done mom" that she gave up. Everyone feels sorry for her until they are around her for a period of time and are able to see through the crap and realize the game being played. I wonder if when I get that phone call one day if I'll even cry or just be happy that maybe she's at peace. Who knows.....

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Artist:Leona Lewis – Album:Echo

Posted at 4:09pm (MST) | No Comments (0) | Add Comment | Report Post
What grinds my gears
Monday, January 31, 2011
This was a rant I wrote around this time last year. The thoughts haven't changed, and I know I cannot be the only one who feels the same way. Right?

So I got a little ticked off yesterday and posted some rants on FB. Decided to gather them up here in one page.
 
I don't care if its a republican, democrat, or whatever they want to call themselves, they all Suck! They are all out to get what they can get for themselves and screw the PEOPLE. They want to give out best actor and actress awards? they need look no further than capitol hill to find the most deserving candidates!
Yeah, I believed in "Hope" and "Yes we Can" I still do actually, but I am sorry Obama, you got in over your head and I can and would say to you "Negro, WTF are you doing?" How does Wall Street etc get all of this money while Mr. Jones who has the local pharmacy can't get a damn thing? Bush made his mistakes and they resonate to this day, but Obama has done his part as well.  “Yes we can” is the rallying cry the people as a whole should take up and actually hold to it!
And for the record SARAH PALIN is so NOT the answer! the woman quit on her own state! What if she gets in over her head in Washington? I want someone who has NOTHING to do with the good ole boy or girl system! I hear talk of someone reluctant to lead and be in the spotlight.. Well, that is no one in D.C. right now or involved in current politics if you ask me.
I am running for President in 2012 on the "Fuck it all" ticket. real change will come when someone actually commits to that TRUE change.
So those who have known me for years, any bets on how long it would take me before I said something that got me shot?
Let me clarify here, not shot by some racist fool because I am black. I'd more than likely get taken out by a fellow Negro, since I call it like I see it.
We as a PEOPLE need to wake up and see how we are being strung along by the few who we elect to supposedly represent us.  What's the flavor of the month? One of the major “parties” will jump on it and ride it into the ground to further their own gain. Once they get what they want its once again “Screw the people!” Its been going on forever and we fall for it time and time again.
They take our money, Deny us things that THEY get because of their position. Lets see how they react if we cut off their healthcare!
and yes, I used the word "Negro" Never seen Africa and have no desire too honestly, so I am not Going to call myself African-American!  I am American, a Citizen of these United (somewhat) states of America.
a white guy from South Africa who now lives here and is a legal citizen has more right to use that term, than any of the black people born and raised in this country that do.

I’m Greg Briggs and your damn right I approved these messages.

Posted at 4:45pm (MST) | Comments (2) | Add Comment | Report Post
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