jd61
Male, 57   United States
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Jacksonville
Florida, USA
3,448 mi from you
57
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I am looking for a Lady to have fun with. Some one that can have fun in and out of the bed room. I know there is more to life than sex but life with out sex is no fun. I have thing I would like to do but I don't wont to do them alone. Thanks to all of you lovely lady's for you time and have a great day.
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Old Lady in Court
Monday, October 18, 2010

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,

when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over of my body.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man.. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot the little bastard

Posted at 5:39pm (MST) | No Comments (0) | Add Comment | Report Post
the funniest things in a long time
Friday, October 15, 2010

----------------------------------------------------------------------

This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.' 

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. 
(Now I know why they record these conversations!): 

Operator:  'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?' 
Caller:  'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.' 
Operator:  'What sort of trouble??' 
Caller:  'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.' 
Operator:  'Went away?' 
Caller:  'They disappeared' 
Operator:  'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?' 
Caller:  'Nothing.' 
Operator:  'Nothing??' 
Caller:  'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.' 
Operator:  'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?' 
Caller:  'How do I tell?' 
Operator:  'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'

Caller:  'What's a sea-prompt?' 
Operator:  'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?' 
Caller:  'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type.' 
Operator:  'Does your monitor have a power indicator??' 
Caller:  'What's a monitor?' 
Operator:  'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.  Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?' 
Caller:  'I don't know.' 
Operator:  'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??' 
Caller:  'Yes, I think so.' 
Operator:  'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. 
Caller:  'Yes, it is.' 
Operator:  'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? ' 
Caller:  'No.' 
Operator:  'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again & find the other cable.' 
Caller:  'Okay, here it is.' 
Operator:  'Follow it for me, & tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.' 
Caller:  'I can't reach.' 
Operator:  'OK. Well, can you see if it is?' 
Caller:  'No.' 
Operator:  'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?' 
Caller:  'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.' 
Operator:  'Dark?' 
Caller:  'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.' 
Operator:  'Well, turn on the office light then.' 
Caller:  'I can't.' 
Operator:  'No? Why not?' 
Caller:  'Because there's a power failure.' 
Operator:  'A power .... A power failure ? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and  packing stuff that your computer came in?' 
Caller:  'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.' 
Operator:  'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.' 
Caller:  'Really? Is it that bad?' 
Operator:  'Yes, I'm afraid it is.' 
Caller:  'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?' 
Operator:  'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!

Posted at 9:59am (MST) | Comments (1) | Add Comment | Report Post
Hi handsome. My name is Rose
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
> > > Definitely > food for thought!! The first day of school our > professor introduced himself and challenged us to > get to know someone we didn't already know. I > stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched > my shoulder. > >I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old >lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her >entire being.. > >She said, 'Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm >eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?' > >I laughed and enthusiastically responded, 'Of >course you may!' and she gave me a giant squeeze.. > > >'Why are you in college at such a young, innocent >age?' I asked. > >She jokingly replied, 'I'm here to meet a rich >husband, get married, and have a couple of kids...' > > >'No seriously,' I asked. I was curious what may >have motivated her to be taking on this challenge >at her age. > >'I always dreamed of having a college education >and now I'm getting one!' she told me. > >After class we walked to the student union building >and shared a chocolate milkshake. > >We became instant friends. Every day for the >next three months we would leave class together >and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening >to this 'time machine' as she shared her wisdom >and experience with me.. > >Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus >icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. >She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention >bestowed upon her from the other students. She was >living it up. > >At the end of the semester we invited Rose to >speak at our football banquet. I'll never forget >what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped >up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared >speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the >floor. > >Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned >into the microphone and simply said, 'I'm sorry >I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this >whiskey is killing me! I'll never get my speech >back in order so let me just tell you what I know.' > > >As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, >' We do not stop playing because we are old; we >grow old because we stop playing. > >There are only four secrets to staying young, >being happy, and achieving success. You have to >laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have >a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die. > >We have so many people walking around who are >dead and don't even know it! > >There is a huge difference between growing older >and growing up. > >If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed >for one full year and don't do one productive thing, >you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven >years old and stay in bed for a year and never do >anything I will turn eighty-eight. > >Anybody! Can grow older. That doesn't take any >talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always >finding opportunity in change. Have no regrets. > > >The elderly usually don't have regrets for what >we did, but rather for things we did not do. The >only people who fear death are those with regrets..' > > >She concluded her speech by courageously singing >'The Rose.' > >She challenged each of us to study the lyrics >and live them out in our daily lives. At the year's >end Rose finished the college degree she had begun >all those months ago. > >One week after graduation Rose died peacefully >in her sleep. > >Over two thousand college students attended her >funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught >by example that it's never too late to be all you >can possibly be. > >When you finish reading this, please send this >peaceful word of advice to your friends and family, >they'll really enjoy it! > >These words have been passed along in loving >memory of ROSE. > >REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING >UP IS OPTIONAL. We make a Living by what we get. >We make a Life by what we give. > >God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage. >If God brings you to it, He will bring you through >it. > >Pass this message on to 7 people . You will receive a miracle tomorrow ( if you don't think so....look > out your window when you wake in the morning and > think about it ) > >If you choose not, then you refuse to bless someone >else. > >'Good friends are like stars..... .....You don't >always see them, but you know they are always there.
Posted at 5:15pm (MST) | No Comments (0) | Add Comment | Report Post
Just for you - 1978 - 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010

This  should be sent only to those whose level of  maturity qualifies them to relate to  it... 

1978:  Long hair
2010:  Longing for hair

1978: KEG 
2010:  EKG


1978  :  Acid rock
2010:  Acid reflux


1978:  Moving to California  because it's  cool
2010:  Moving to Arizona  because it's warm


1978:  Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 
2010:  Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or  Liz Taylor


1978:  Seeds and stems 
2010:  Roughage 


1978:  Hoping for a  BMW
2010:  Hoping for a BM 


1978:  Going to a new, hip joint 
2010:  Receiving a new hip joint


1978:  Rolling Stones 
2010:  Kidney Stones 


1978:  Screw the system 
2010:  Upgrade the system


1978:  Disco
2010:  Costco 
  

1978:  Parents begging you to get your hair  cut
2010:  Children begging you to get their heads  shaved


1978:  Passing the drivers' test 
2010:  Passing the vision test 
 

1978:  Whatever
2010:  Depends

Just  in case you weren't feeling too old today, this  will certainly change things. Each year the  staff at Beloit   College  in Wisconsin  puts together a list to try to give the faculty  a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming  freshmen. Here's this year's list:

The  people who are starting college this fall across  the nation were born in 1992. 


They  are too young to remember the space shuttle  blowing up.


Their  lifetime has always included  AIDS. 


Bottle  caps have always been screw off and  plastic. 

The  CD was introduced 2  years  before they were born. 

They  have always had an answering machine. 

They  have always had cable. 

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.. 
Jay  Leno has always been on the Tonight  Show. 


Popcorn has always been cooked in the  microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about  Jaws. 

They  can't imagine what hard contact lenses  are.


They  don't know who Mork was or where he was  from.

They  never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a  mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de  plane.."
 

They  do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who  J. R. even is.

McDonald's  never came in Styrofoam  containers. 


They  don't have a clue how to use a  typewriter. 

Do  you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old  fogies on your list. Notice the larger type,  that's for those of you who have trouble  reading..
So  have a nice day!!!!! It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!!!!   

Posted at 6:05pm (MST) | Comments (2) | Add Comment | Report Post
Children Writing About the Ocean
Sunday, October 10, 2010
 
 
Out of the mouths of babes....
 
 
 
Children Writing About the Ocean.
 
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly, age 6)
 
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
 
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (, age 7)
 
 
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
 
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 8)
 
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
 
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross
the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would
whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been
better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
 
 
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful
and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get
pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
 
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is a
always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has
just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
 
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels
can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where
I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)
 
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it
makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
 
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water.. Divers
can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky,
age 8)
 
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she
was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water
fired right up her big fat ass.. (Julie, age 7)
 
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't
drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
 
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)
 
If you didn't chuckle at one of these, you need to find a better sense of humor.
Posted at 5:49pm (MST) | No Comments (0) | Add Comment | Report Post
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