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Oregon, USA
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Thoughts and Fantasies
This blog contains my thoughts, wishes and fantasies. Enjoy and let me know what you think.
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She was and is still the one, she doesn't know it though.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
It's funny how you can meet and work with beautiful women every day and I mean darn right sexy as hell women.  After the initial attraction, there was nothing I would ever feel for them.  I thought it was the by product of getting old, being married or turing gay or someting.  Then this woman shows up, not particularly good looking woman, perhaps, you could call her dorky looking.  She's a new co worker and I had not seen her prior to that date before I was interduced to her.  I hear hi from behind me and I turn to look and it was like someone shocked me, she tagged me, I wasn't expecting it, it's not fair, I couldn't get away.  It was her eyes, her big, brown eyes....I saw them, I stared at them, she smiled at me like it was gotcha, you are under my power for life.  It was power she has over me, if she smiles and speaks to me kindly, I will do anything she says, if she is a bitch to me, i will still do anyting she says, if she cries, I will feel like crap, if she hugs me, I will fly like Superman.  It's been years since she has been gone, I made a supreme mistake by staying in touch.  The day she told me she was getting married was the day my life truly began to spiral, I was addicted to her.  I finally shut off the communication to her a couple of years back but the thoughts never go away, they just go dormant for while....sleeping until something triggers the thoughts, someone looks like her, sounds like her, smells like her...then the dreams start again, then the longing and the despair. 

I never told her the feelings I felt for her.  I generally felt that it was not fair to her since she really did not do anything to deserve the akwardness of the moment.  She was in a long term relationship and eventually married to that person, while I was married.  There were times I thought there was something there but outside my fantasy world, she saw me as a good friend.  I thought to leave my marriage many times and try seek some other connection with her after she left for another job but I couldn't do it.  Then a year or so went by and we talked by phone and emailed but only met three times in person.  I wasn't myself during those times we met for lunch, I was nervous, shakey as if I was doing something wrong.  I remember the day she told me she was getting married, I immediately felt super cold.  My fantasy world was collasping, it was day the reality truly hit that she would never love me.
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